Look at yourself
by DigiKiuru
Summary: Your world is gray, dull. Your seemingly endless enthousiasmic has faded. This is what is left of you. An empty shell. All of your friends have left you. All except one. Kazu/Ikki, Ikki's POV.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Air Gear or its characters. Plain and simple.

* * *

~z~

_**What you see in the mirror**_

~z~_**  
**_

Look at yourself. You're a mess. Your eyes once filled with joy, laughter andlifeare now dull and dead. Even if you try to pretend, even if you try to act, you can't even convince yourself anymore. Not when you look like this. Your hair, once as seemingly carefree as yourself, is now flat. Even the once rich colour seems to have faded, dulled. For so long you have ignored the reflection in the mirror, knowing that if you looked, this is what you'd see. You used to be so energetic. You enjoyed life.

You used to be the one that brought others happiness. Your presence could make even the most depressing people smile, laugh. But look, that's not you anymore. Now you are one of the depressing people. No, you're even worse than them. You are in a state where you cannot be know it, and you know that they know it. Most of your friends no longer contact you. They don't speak to you. Maybe they are scared. Scared of the person you've become. The ones who still try are slowly giving up. You know it. You can sense it. _'You know you can't keep this up forever, right? Please tell me you do. I can't – _We _can't take this much longer.'_ She said to you. You didn't answer. Her words were empty to you. She had been crying back then and yet you couldn't feel her pain. To you, she seemed to be so far away back then. Her voice quiet and the doorway where she was standing far, her very being, was not in the same world where you were.

Now that you think about it, your vision, or maybe your memory, you can no longer tell the difference, has been hazy. Everything has been covered by a gray veil, blurring the details. The colours have lost their radiance, even if you know they are the same as they were before. But it's not. Not for you.

Your hands are shaking. You feel weak and let yourself crouch. It's just too hard to look into the mirror, to think about those things. Because it's the truth. You can't hide anymore. But that's the only thing you can do now. There's no other choice left for you. You have no one to turn to. You're alone and that knowledge has been slowly eating you alive. You start shaking but you will yourself not to cry. You've cried too many times already and you won't cry anymore. Such a sweet lie you tell yourself, but lies are all you have left. Your lies have clouded the truth and illusions twisted the reality. But today you looked at the truth. You saw the reality. Now you wish you hadn't. Even if your precious dreams died long ago only to be replace by nightmares, it was still better than this.

* * *

Another one has come to visit you. They try to talk to you, trying to cheer you up. You hardly even listen to their words. An endless monologue. If anything, this only makes you feel more lonely. You no longer belong to their world. That world seems so bright and warm to you. No, you know that's exactly what it is. A radiant world filled with laughter. Yours is a cold and unforgiving. Dirty and twisted. Despair is what most would call it, but not you. Even now, you are too stubborn to give in to that utter hopelessness.

'_Are you listening? Hey… Ikki! Are you there?'_ You raise your head and look at him. He looks concerned but you can see his fear as well. For a moment you wonder how long will he keep coming back like this and talk to you as if nothing had changed. You weren't the only one to blind themselves from the truth, you figure.

It's silent for a moment. Maybe he expects you to say something, but you won't. What could you say, when you now know that all of your words are meaningless. You know how you look, and nothing you say will change that. Only a fool would think otherwise. He looks down, his face showing defeat. _'I miss the old you.'_ You barely hear those words he whispers, and yet they ring so loudly in your head. You know he won't be coming back. This friendship has reached its end.

You watch as he wipes his eyes and gets up to leave. When he opens the door, you say your first words since he arrived. _'Goodbye… Onigiri.' _Your voice is quiet and void of emotion, but you know he heard you as he turns to look at you one last time. He looks like he's about to cry. You watch him without those feelings. You feel neither sadness nor anger. You knew this was going to happen and now you accept it. He leaves and you stay still.

* * *

AN/ Angsty piece of -... Yeah... I felt frustrated so I wrote this piece of depression. Kinda fun if you ask me. :D

This one _is_ AU since I haven't really updated my Air Gear knowlegde for a while. Still, I haven't decided how AU I want this to be. Anyway, I've planned to make this into a 4 chaptered story... Maybe... It could be shorter or longer, I don't know. But it most definitely is a Kazu/Ikki one, so there.

Sorry if the depressed Ikki is too OOC for you, but really, Ikki can get depressed! ...I think...


	2. Chapter 2

~z~

_**Where**__** can you see your past**_

~z~_**  
**_

For the first time in months you look out the window. You watch as people walk by. You feel numb. Before this scenery would have caused you pain. To see those people and know that they have that something that you lost. Now you can't feel anything. The emptiness has swallowed your very being.

Someone comes in. You can hear them as they walk in. You ignore them, hoping they would leave soon. You don't want to have another meaningless talk today. No, that's not right. You haven't been talking with anyone for a while now.

Your visitor sit next to you without a word and you can finally see who they are. There's a painful twist in your stomach as you utter your first word in days. _'Kazu'_ your voice comes out as a rasping breath and you flinch. He looks at you but you turn away. The numbness is gone and it has been replaced by guilt, pain and shame. You don't want him to see you here, but now you fear that he too will leave you. Not that you would blame him for it. It's your own weakness that led you here and that same weakness that keeps you from going back.

You wait for his reaction but there is none. You finally dare to look at him again and you immediately wish you hadn't. He's looking down at his hands with a pained expression. Of all the people you have pushed away, he is the last one still trying. It would be easier for the both of you if he just gave up like everyone else. Suddenly he looks up straight at you. Fear starts to build up inside you and veils you in panic. You don't know what he sees when he looks at you but his eyes seem to get back their determination.

Neither one of you says anything. You don't know how long you sat there, side by side, but you know that when he leaves he will come back.

* * *

Once again you ask yourself: where had all of this began? Had it started with your failure as the team's leader? No, you had already started to feel this way before it happened. Granted, it might have been the point where you finally gave up but maybe this would have happened regardless. You remember how you, little by little, started to lose the joy in your life. Everything was serious and you could feel the pressure of everyone's expectations weighting you down.

You groan as you start to get a headache from thinking about the past. You can now see all the things you did wrong and it makes you feel twice as horrible. How could you be so blind? At least you made the right decision when leaving the team. Someone like you doesn't deserve to be their leader. If only he would stop coming…

You lie down on the floor and close your eyes. You feel so empty and tired. All of your energy has been drained. You slowly open your eyes and see a deformed image of yourself from the lamp. You lie there and watch your twisted image in that twisted room and wonder, which one of you is more twisted. You can almost see how the you in the lamp would get off the floor and start living again. The other you would live like nothing had happened and laugh and joke and live.

You're so lost in your own visions that you almost miss to notice when someone else comes in. You see him from the lamp as he walks over to you. He looks at you for a while before lying down as well. His head is next to yours and you can smell the sweet scent of his shampoo. And you lie there, together, and look at your twisted reflections.

* * *

AN/ I hate my computer... It deleted all of my files so I had to rewrite this sh*t and chapter three. I'm so pissed off that I really don't care anymore. I will never again try to be a good writer and edit my writings! NEVER AGAIN!

(Sorry, don't mind me, I'm just so angry right now.)


End file.
